Goodbye, 2018

Well it's been a while... Let's reflect on 2018, shall we?

As a kid, whenever we would drive through a tunnel, my sister and I would hold our breaths until we were out of it (don't know where that superstition came from or what it means but that's irrelevant). Anyways, 2018 felt just like that: driving through a very, very, very long tunnel with no end in sight. It felt like I was holding my breath waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel that never came.

2018 was probably the hardest year of my life since maybe junior year of high school when I was first diagnosed with clinical depression. I was the saddest I've been, maybe ever, and truly didn't know if/how I was going to be able to pull myself out of this "slump".

I cried a lot. I spent more time sleeping to avoid reality than I care to admit. I did some things that I regret. I complained about nearly everything. I threw myself a lot of pity parties. I said some things I shouldn't have. And, ultimately, I started becoming a person I really didn't like.

There are a few things that influenced this slump besides the ever-present chemical imbalance in my brain but I don't want to point fingers and it's beside the point.

While this year put me through hell, it's not to say that it was ALL bad. I traveled to some cool places, I jumped out of a few planes, I made some new friends and got closer to old ones, I sang my heart out at some amazing concerts, I hung out with Mickey Mouse a few times, I saw my sister graduate college, I started "modelling" (LOL) - the list goes on.

All this to say, 2018 was definitely NOT my favorite year but it did make me stronger.

2018 reminded me that every day may not be good but there is something good in every day - sometimes you just have to look a little harder for it than others.

2018 taught me how to communicate and stand up for myself.

2018 reminded me that mental health is so so SO important and it's up to you to do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

2018 taught me that people do care, you just have to let them.

So here's to you, 2018! I won't miss you but I can say thank you. Thank you for testing me and teaching me.

Now, thank u, next ;)

Sincerely yours,
Just Another Original

2017 - The Year of Yes

Hello friends –

I always love the idea of the New Year and starting fresh, making resolutions, etc. However, just like everyone else, my resolutions never stick. So, for this past year, instead of making a resolution, I decided to make a theme for my 2017 (inspired by my old manager – shout out to you Sonja).

As I’ve mentioned before, I struggle with clinical depression (I probably sound like a broken record at this point but whatever). My depression often gets the best of me, causing a lack of motivation, extreme exhaustion, and general absence of excitement for life. It is easy for me to sleep all day, shut out the world, and stay in my head.

With that being said, I wanted to tackle my demons head on. So, the theme of my year was “yes”. I was going to force myself to say yes to anything and everything in the hopes of not letting my depression get the best of me. I didn’t want it to keep me from living as it has done so many times in the past. (I guess this could count as a resolution but I choose to think of it more as a theme of saying yes to life/living.)

In the beginning, I figured I’d go out a bit more, spend more time with friends, etc. but as you can imagine, that was definitely not all that this year entailed. Since I told practically everyone about this theme of mine, I was held accountable by everyone – for better or worse.

At first, it was mainly saying yes to going out on the weekends, meeting friends for dinner, etc. (things that normal people do already but that I used to say no to or flake on). However, that was only the beginning of what I ended up doing. I did a number of things that I truthfully probably would not have done if it weren’t for this “year of yes”.

I joined a kickball league with friends from work. I went out on work nights. I hopped on a plane to go visit a friend from college in Arizona on a whim. I tried online dating (and actually gave it a shot – not just swiped and then deleted the app) and actually went on a few dates. I didn’t flake as much on friends. I started doing CrossFit. I traveled to Chicago for less than 48 hours just for fun. I went to a reunion at the camp I spent all of my summers at growing up. The list goes on…

As you can imagine, this year of yes took a toll on my bank account but I figured it was okay because it was for experiences – not just things. However, my bank account wasn’t the only thing that suffered… I was constantly exhausted from saying yes to everything. Not only was I physically exhausted but I was also mentally and emotionally drained. I was not letting myself recharge or rest because I had to just keep doing.

Even though I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted from this year, I don’t regret it. As I said before, I truly believe that I would not have done many of the things I did if it weren’t for this theme/resolution of saying yes. I traveled to new places and fell in love with new faces. I pushed myself and did things that I didn’t think I could. I said yes to life and faced my demons head on.

This year taught me a lot. Like I said, I did things that I thought I couldn’t do – proving to myself that I am stronger than I think. It re-taught me that experiences are greater than money and things. However, most of all, it taught me that I need to work on balance. I need to balance saying yes to life and living but also listening to my head, heart, and body and knowing when I need to say no in order to rest and recharge.

2017, you were quite a year. 2018, I can’t wait to see what you’ve got in store.

Sincerely yours,
Just Another Original

Unmasking My Media - The Person Behind the Picture

Well well well, it's been a while.

What a better way to get back into this blog than with this: unmasking my media. How about unmasking my daily life?

I've written about this before but it seems like a timely manner to write about it again because of this whole event put on by LMU (great idea by the way - thanks for the invite LindsLuLu).

As far as I can tell, the idea of this whole "Unmask My Social Media" event is to combat the stigma that comes with mental illness and to bring to light the reality of how serious of an issue this is. This event hits close to home for me because as you may or may not know, I've been struggling with clinical depression for as long as I can remember (just kidding - I remember vividly being diagnosed sophomore year of high school after coming home crying everyday and not being able to explain why).

So, in order to truly bring light to this very real issue, I'm going to tell you my story. To begin, I'll leave you with unflattering images that I normally wouldn't post anywhere (the original minimum action requested for this event).

However - in typical Julie fashion - I'm going to go past the original ask in order to unmask my perfectly posed/candid pictures captioned with just the right amount of wit and charm. It may seem like everything is just fine and dandy all the time because I'm good at hiding things. But, I'm going to let you behind the mask that I've been wearing for quite a long time now and that I know a lot of other people hide behind as well.

Just like everyone else, I like to pretend like I have my life together and that everything is just peachy. Well, kind of... I'm very open to admitting how sh*tty life an be sometimes but at the same time, I've very recently realized that I've been masking not how crazy life's circumstances can be, but how terrible I've been feeling...

Day by day I go through the motions - all of this while being in some sort of haze that feels like an out of body experience. I am watching my life go by, all being acted out by someone who looks like me but isn't really me at all.

I go through the motions of my everyday life just because. I feel no purpose or motivation to do anything. I just do because I do. I wake up early to go to the gym, get ready for work, interact with the people around me just enough to fit in, do my work well enough to get by, come home and go to sleep. I get through each day without feeling one way or another about any of it.

I am constantly exhausted and never want to do anything but sleep. I'm positive that I could sleep 20 hours a day and still fall asleep if I got in bed.

Hell, even food doesn't bring me any joy anymore. Not even ice cream can really bring a smile to my face - and that's when you know it's bad for me. I have absolutely zero sense of an appetite and nothing ever sounds good but eat at socially appropriate times because it's what you're supposed to do. Half the time I feel like I'm going to vomit but I eat just to maintain some sense of normalcy.

Everything I do is just because I think I'm supposed to. I put in minimal effort into everything - just enough so that no one gets concerned. I participate in social functions/hang out with friends just enough so that no one bugs me about it. However, whenever I'm with people - even with my closest friends - it's still hard. I put a smile on and say the right things because I feel like I should when in all reality I still have that out of body feeling where I see my life passing me by.

This black cloud of depression constantly hanging over my head makes me feel like I'm a burden to others and that no one really cares about me. I know that's not true and I feel pathetic saying it (I swear I'm not fishing for compliments) but this is my truth at the moment. I don't really let people in because I feel like they don't care - when in reality, I'm not giving them the chance to care because I keep everyone at arm's length.

I feel like I'm completely alone in this world with no purpose (but I swear to you all that I'm not suicidal). I'm so afraid of wasting my life away and letting "the best years of my life" pass me by but I struggle with doing anything about it because I lack any sense of desire or motivation to do anything.

I feel selfish thinking this way because I know that others have struggles way beyond my little head games. But then, I remember what someone (I wish I remembered who) challenged me with a few years ago: who are we to compare our battles to someone else's? No one is living your life and you should not diminish your struggles because they are yours and they are valid.

So friends, with that being said, I give you the reality of a truly screwed up brain with chemical imbalances that not even meds have been able to fix.

I tell you this not to make you feel sorry for me but to truly unmask my media and remind you that the world isn't always perfectly edited pictures with well-thought out captions. 1 in 5 adults struggle with mental illnesses so I am here to be a voice for those silently struggling and bring light to what is truly a daily battle.

"Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you find nothing about. Be kind. Always."

Sincerely yours,
Just Another Original

The Right Way to Adult

To any and all who care -

Exactly one year ago today on May 9, 2015, I graduated college... Honestly, that makes me want to vomit. That means that I can no longer say "oh I graduated in May" or have the excuse of being fresh out of college. I think I am now what you'd call an adult?

In this past year, I saw friends move away, donated my hair, moved back home with my parents, spent six months in a depressing state of unemployment, moved out of my childhood home, lost some weight and gained it right back, landed a full-time job with benefits and all, lived on my friends' floor (no, not their couch - legitimately their floor), started paying my own bills, moved in with a friend from college, had some fun, shed some tears, and somehow became an "adult".

Anyways, after a year in this so-called real world - one of the hardest years of my life - I've learned a few things. However, I'll spare you the list and leave you with the hardest but most valuable lesson I learned: there is no "right" way to adult.

Anyone who knows me will probably nod to themselves in agreement when I say that I like to do things "right" - as in I don't particularly like doing things wrong or doing the wrong thing. I have always been a rule-follower, over-achiever, do-gooder, etc. I always thought that that was how you were supposed to do life.

Growing up, it was pretty easy to do the "right" thing because there were always rules in place, things you are supposed to do, etc. However, I quickly learned that the real world doesn't quite work like that...

I have always been a huge people-watcher but during this past year of post-grad life, I did exponentially more of it in the form of observing, question-asking, and mental note-taking on how people live in this so called real world. All of this was done in the hopes that I would figure out what the "right" way to do things was. I wanted to know how you are supposed to get a job, what job you are supposed to get, how you are supposed to budget, where you are supposed to live, how you are supposed to interact with others - I was basically like a newborn baby learning how to live all over again.

I would ask my parents for advice, observe what my peers were doing, talk to people who had graduated before me, ask co-workers about their lives - hell, I even went to Google with a few questions - all in hopes to be pointed into some general direction of how I was supposed to live.

Nevertheless, all these observations and questions did was leave me even more confused than I was before. Without fail, every single source always had a different answer. There was not a single time that I asked a question and got the same response from multiple sources.

Some people live at home while others share a room in a tiny apartment with friends. Some people pay their own bills while others live off of their parents' money. Some people go out to eat for every meal of the day while others pack a lunch and cook for themselves at home. Some people wake up to exercise at 5 am everyday while others don't even own a pair of tennis shoes. Some people go to grad school while others travel. Some people love their job while others feel like they still haven't found their purpose.

For a long time, this really frustrated me and quite honestly made me very depressed. I was lost because I didn't know the "right" way to adult (which by the way has become a verb in my post-grad life - ask any other post-grad and I think they will say the same thing). I wanted a rule book and set of directions for how to live life. I was desperate to do life right and succeed in the real world.

However, after finally moving out of my parents house, getting a full-time job, and paying bills on my own (yes that is a milestone worth noting), I started to realize that I was living/adult-ing without that rule book or set of directions. As terrifying as that realization was for me, it was also kind of liberating.

After recognizing that life goes on regardless of whether you are doing life "right" or not, I started to breathe a little easier. I realized that there has never been and will never be a "right" way to adult or live. Everyone is just doing what they think is "right" - doing what they can to get by and enjoy whatever they can in this crazy thing called life.

Johanna de Silento truly said it best when she said that "the only way to fail at life is to abstain."

For better or worse, everyone is just kind of winging it and it's up to us to either let it terrify us or thrill us. Personally, I'm working on finding the thrill in it and I suggest that you do too.

Sincerely Yours,
Just Another Original

The Reality of Postgrad Life

Well friends, it has officially been four months since I graduated - aka 1/3 of a year - and I have done nothing...

I have not found a job yet. I moved back home and am living with my parents. I have not found my soul mate. The list goes on.

When I think of life in those terms, it's hard not to get depressed. It's hard not to see the glass as half-empty and think that nothing is ever going to fall into place (or maybe that's just my self-deprecating mind). It is so easy for me to compare myself to others (especially on social media) and think that I'm the only one who doesn't have this whole post-grad life figured out yet and somehow I'm less of a person because of it. I am constantly talking myself down into a spiral of negativity and it's really not helping anyone.

However, the other day when I was laying around wallowing in self-pity, I saw this picture and the quote really resonated with me.

"You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward" - what a concept!

I always seem to think that once I have a job or once I get a boyfriend or once I lose a certain amount of weight or once I *insert aspiration here*, then life will start - a sentiment that is completely false.

Life doesn't run on contingencies - it's happening all the time.

This whole transition period has really forced me to breathe and take life one day at a time. After all, the future comes one day at a time. While I may not currently be living the life I have envisioned for myself, that doesn't mean that I never will. However, the only thing I can do at the moment is make a conscious effort everyday to eventually get to that place.

Everyday I make the conscious effort to get myself out of bed at a reasonable hour. Everyday I make the conscious effort to submit my resume to companies that I would like to work for. Everyday I make the conscious effort to exercise and eat better so that I can eventually feel better about the way I look.

Even though I would love for everything to fall into place tomorrow, I know they won't and that's okay. Timing is different for everyone and while it might not be my time just yet, I know it will come eventually. With that being said, I just need to remind myself to breathe and let things happen as they will.

I'm not usually a fan of God's timing (I can get pretty impatient), but somehow life has continued despite things not happening the way that I want them to. And - if we're being honest - even though I haven't appreciated the timing, I am still pretty pleased with the way that my life has turned out thus far. So, even though I can get impatient in the process, I have faith that everyday things are coming together bit by bit and are eventually going to lead to something great.

Here's hoping my time comes soon though because I'm getting tired of waiting...

Sincerely yours,
Just Another Original

Great Expectations

The other day (in the midst of one of my quarter life crisis panic attacks) my mom asked me a question that really got to me. She turned to me and - completely seriously - asked me, "Julie, do you ever think that you expect too much out of life?"

Wow oh wow. 

How do I even begin to answer that question? Yes? No? Sometimes? What?

To be honest, I absolutely, 100% I expect a lot out of life - maybe some would say too much but let me explain. 

When I say that I expect a lot out of life, I guess I mean to say that I just want to be happy and excited about life even though realistically, that's not always going to happen. I expect life to always be an adventure when in reality, monotony and routine are sometimes necessary and not always adventurous.

My mom brought this up because since graduation, I have been experiencing a minor existential crisis in that I don't know what I want to do with my life. I was getting worked up over the idea of having nothing getting me out of bed in the morning and essentially no reason to live. She basically told me that I was being overdramatic, expecting too much out of life, and that sometimes you have to deal with boring (in much nicer terms of course).

However I cannot accept that. I refuse to accept that. I agree with her in that yes, I was maybe being a tad overdramatic but I refuse to just "deal" with a boring life.

I crave passion. I yearn for purpose. I desperately desire a reason to be. 

While I understand that it might take some time to find my passion or purpose, I don't think that sitting around is the right way to pass that time. I don't just want to settle because something is easy or comfortable. I think that if you are unsure as to what your purpose is or where your passion lies, you should desperately be searching for that - not sitting complacently, accepting life as a dull, boring way to pass time before the grave. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to be happy and I think most other people do too. With that being said, I think that happiness comes from finding your passions and living with a sense of purpose. So, if you are not living out your passion and purpose, shouldn't you at least be trying to?

Some may say that expectations lead to inevitable disappointment and I agree - that is sometimes the case. However, someone once told me that if you don't expect anything from anyone then there is no reason for them to do anything more than the minimum for you; you limit what they can and will do for you by setting the bar so low for them.

I think that the same can be true of life. If you don't ever expect anything out of it, you won't get anything out of it. If you expect the bad, you'll only ever get (or see) the bad. However, if you expect the best, you will always be looking for the best and find it in places you might not have looked if you didn't expect anything.

I don't know - I know there are multiple sides to everything and that not one view is necessarily right. However, with that being said, for now, I think that it is better to expect a lot out of life and hope for the best rather than living a dull, hopeless life simply because you are afraid of being disappointed. 

So, here's to living in hope and with the expectation that life be filled with purpose, passion, and pure joy.

Sincerely yours,
Just Another Original

15 Things I Would Tell My Freshman Self - From a Class of '15 (Almost) Grad

Well hello there!

It's been a while since I've written but I figured that with graduation quickly approaching, I would take the time to reflect on the things I've learned throughout my past four years in college. The following things are things that I wish someone would have told me (or maybe people did tell me and I wish that I would have really listened) when I was starting school.

1. Take the classes with the best professors - not just the easy ones.
During registration, everyone is going to be looking at ratemyprofessor.com searching for the teachers with the best ratings. Most people will be looking for the comments saying, "easiest A I've ever gotten!" However, oftentimes you will find yourself in those classes bored out of your mind wondering why you are wasting your time there. With that being said, I encourage you to take classes with professors that maybe have ratings like, "hard grader but interesting class" or "smartest person I've ever met! Not an easy class but definitely worth your time!" Those classes will definitely require more work but they will be much more interesting and you will actually learn something - after all, that's what school is for, right?

2. The freshman 15 is real.
I know that everyone jokes about the freshman 15 but for a lot of people (myself included), it is a very real thing. Now that you don't have your mom doing the grocery shopping or cooking for you, it is up to you to make healthy choices. It is so easy to always go for the pizza slice or french fries, and that is fine in moderation, but don't forget to eat things like fruits and vegetables too or else everything is going to catch up with you real quick. Alcohol is also a huge factor. Many students start drinking heavily during their freshman year and don't realize the effects that it has on their body. Alcohol is full of empty calories so just keep that in mind; maybe have one less drink than you normally would in order to conserve those calories. Also, now that you are in college, you have a lot more time when you are not in class so make sure to allocate some time for exercise. With a free gym membership, there is no reason not to work out. Just be conscious of what you are doing to your body and you will be fine.

3. Social media is not reality.
It is so easy to get caught up in what is going on in social media. It is an endless cycle of seeing people doing fun things and looking beautiful so at some point you will likely feel down on yourself because you aren't doing anything exciting at that moment or you don't look camera ready all the time. When you start to feel that way, you simply need to remind yourself that people only post the good parts of their lives - no one is going to post a picture of themselves crying while eating a pint of ice cream or laying in bed watching Netflix in their baggy sweats. Just remember that social media is not always an accurate representation of life.

4. Imagine your dream job and do what you can to get there.
I know that few people actually know what they want to do with their lives but try to think of your dream job. If you have some idea of what you want to do, that will help you figure out what to do next. It is hard to figure out your next step if you don't know where you are headed. Knowing where you want to be after graduation will help you to take the appropriate actions to get to where you want to be. For example, if you know that you want to work in the entertainment industry, look for internships in the entertainment industry towards the beginning of college so that you can gain experience - this will make securing interviews and landing jobs that much more realistic.

5. Get informed.
There is so much going on in the world and everyone is going to have an opinion about it. It is up to you to get the information that you need to make informed opinions about things for yourself. Don't let others tell you what to think - think for yourself. It can be overwhelming trying to learn about everything but don't freak out. Take it slow and read an article or two a day about relevant news - or subscribe to the Daily Skimm (a daily email with understandable information about world news). You will thank me later when you are able to actually talk about things that are going on in the world instead of listening in to conversations and not having any idea what anyone is talking about.

6. Tell the girl next to you that you like her shirt.
Not literally, but what I mean is give compliments. Oftentimes I'll find myself admiring someone either for their looks, personality, or something else and I keep it to myself. However, we - myself included - should try to give away the good! What is the point of keeping those positive thoughts to ourselves? Make someone's day by complimenting them! No matter how awkward someone is when they take a compliment, it always makes them feel better about themselves. Plus, it's a good way to start conversations which could eventually lead to a friendship.

7. Don't let the amount of alcohol you do or do not consume dictate what you do.
Coming in to college, I didn't drink. Hard-headed Julie told herself and everyone else that she didn't drink so she never did. No one really cared - in fact, people applauded me for being true to myself. However, I was nervous about being judged by others and not fitting in at parties and things like that so I didn't go out very often. I let my lack of alcohol consumption dictate my social life when in reality, it shouldn't have mattered. If you want to do something, do it - regardless of how everyone else is doing it.

8. Don't knock it 'til you try it.
It's easy to judge things from a distance but I encourage you to refrain from passing judgement until you try it for yourself. Everyone has a different opinion about everything under the sun so it is up to you to form your own opinion on your own terms. For instance, I spent my first semester of college telling myself that I would never join a sorority because I didn't want to be one of those girls. However, with that in mind, I challenged myself to go through recruitment so that I could have something to back my arguments with. However, I ended up falling in love with Pi Beta Phi and now can't imagine my college career without it.

9. Don't be afraid to do things alone.
If you want to do something but no one else will do it with you, do it anyways. Don't let the fear of being alone hold you back from doing what you want. Some of my favorite memories from the past four years are from when I went and did something on my own (including traveling to foreign countries alone) and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Not only do you learn a lot about yourself and grow as a person, but you also end up with the best stories and meet some of the coolest people that you might not necessarily have talked to if you had someone with you.

10. You can do anything but not everything.
There are endless opportunities and ways to get involved in college but you need to be choosy. You can do anything you want because there is no one holding you back however, you need to make sure to find balance in what you do. There will be times when you over commit yourself - whether that be to clubs and organizations or friends or school and you will feel overwhelmed. You may need to prioritize and decide what is most important to you. At that point, you'll have to breathe and remind yourself that you can do anything but not everything.

11. Ask how people are really doing.
Oftentimes we get caught up in going through the motions of our day to day lives that we forget that other people have things going on too. It is important to make a conscious effort and take time to get out of your head to check in on others. You'll be surprised at how many people are suppressing their emotions and are just waiting to talk to someone. Everyone needs someone to talk to - be that person for someone.

12. Don't be too hard on yourself - everyone makes mistakes.
It really is true that you are your own worst critic - I can attest to that. I hold myself to impossible, unrealistic standards and don't let myself live down mistakes I make. However, you have to try to remember that - like Hannah Montana says - everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days. You might remember your mistakes for a while but other people will forget them as soon as something else comes along and you should too. Forgive yourself - nobody is perfect.

13. Never be afraid to ask questions.
It really is true that when you don't ask, the answer is always no. You never know what people will say unless you ask. If you want something, ask for it; the worst anyone can ever say is no. If you don't understand something, ask. Even when you think it is a stupid question, ask anyways because I guarantee that there are other people wondering the same thing and they will thank you for stepping up and asking.

14. It's okay not to be okay.
Everyone puts on this act that everything is fine and dandy 100% of the time. However, realistically, that's not true. It may seem like everyone has everything together while you are falling apart on the inside but I can guarantee you that everything is not as it seems. Everyone is dealing with their own internal struggles. I encourage you to talk about your problems with others to reduce the stigma that comes with not being "okay". It really is okay not to be okay. Acknowledging your struggles will help you to appreciate your successes and happiness that much more.

15. Don't forget to have fun.
It is so easy to get bogged down with school work and jobs/internships. Maybe I'm the only one but looking back, I definitely passed up plenty of fun experiences because I thought that I should study instead or sleep so that I could wake up for work the next morning. I'm not saying that social activities should trump everything but just make sure that you let yourself have fun. It's not that I didn't have fun in college, it's just that there are definitely times when I could have put off studying a bit longer or given up a few hours of sleep to play and I would still manage to graduate.

College is full of ups and downs that no one will ever really be able to prepare you for. So, with that being said, embrace the journey and take from it what you can. You will meet some of the coolest people in the world, have some of the most phenomenal experiences, and grow exponentially as a person if you let yourself. I have faith in you and am cheering you on.

Sincerely yours,
Just Another Original